Do children inherently know that they can play the race card to hurt other people’s feelings? I’m sure the boys in my daughter’s kindergarten class weren’t thinking of it in those terms when they started calling out to her on the playground, “Chinese girl! Chinese girl!” But on some level, they knew that by not using her name to get her attention and, instead, pointing out her most obvious difference — her skin color and heritage — that they were becoming unified in their similarities at the expense of my daughter’s feelings.
Interestingly, she was more perplexed about this episode than upset. It just didn’t make any sense to her still-literal kindergarten brain that her school friends wouldn’t just try to get her attention by using her name.
It’s no suprise to any parent that six-year-olds love to hone in on differences, especially when they want to be mean and taunt others. On some level it just goes with that age. But I have to believe that part of it is children modeling parental behavior — not the specific comments so much, but things that we say, even in passing, that show our children that intolerance is acceptable. It’s hard to watch our children struggle when they outgrow the pre-kindergarten age where everyone is a friend and is accepted just for who they are and then, somehow, transition into the not-so-pretty behavior of hurtful teasing. Living in a diverse, politically-correct city, I’m sure most parents in my area believe that their children won’t be the perpetrators of hurtful racial comments. But in a society where we still embrace and celebrate our similarities more than our differences, how can our kids come away with a more accepting world view?
Unfortunately, soon enough, my daughter will be old enough to understand that comments like the ones made on her school playground were meant to be hurtful by making her feel different and inferior. I hope my husband and I are on the road to giving her the right tools to handle those moments. But when your small children can’t understand why some kids just like to be mean, how do you even start to explain the reasons why?
Wed, May 24, 2006
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