Religion has been on my mind a lot lately.
Not religion per se, but about what, if anything, we ought to be doing here at Chez PunditMom about religious training for PunditGirl.
I knew we had to give the issue a little thought when PunditGirl came home from school one day and said, “Mom, who is Jesus?”
Mr. PunditMom and I are of different religions and neither one of us practices in any real way. We observe each other’s respective holiday rituals, which PunditGirl seems to enjoy, but that doesn’t do much for helping her understand why we celebrate them or how those traditions influence who we are as people.
It’s hard for me to find my way to taking PunditGirl to Sunday school each week. I clearly remember the moment when I decided religion wasn’t for me. When I was about ten years old and attending summer Vacation Bible School, I was required to memorize that famous passage John 3:16:
“For God so loved the world, that He gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish, but shall have everlasting life.”
Seemed like a no-brainer to my still developing pre-teen brain — all I have to do is believe this and I’ll never die!
When I was informed that that was not exactly what that passage meant, I was very angry. I felt like I had been lied to and that all the other things they had taught me in Sunday school were a sham. After that, I went to church when my parents made me, but only because I wasn’t old enough to have a choice — yet.
We’re leaning toward no religion classes for PunditGirl, like the ones we both were required to attend as children. But we also realize it’s important for her not only to have an understanding of how to be a caring and ethical person (something that most religions focus on as a matter of doctrine), but also to become religiously literate, since there are so many religious icons embedded in our general culture.
So when the chance came along to review Parenting Beyond Belief: On Raising Ethical, Caring Kids Without Religion, I jumped at it.
Parenting Beyond Belief is a collection of essays by experts, as well as families, who have faced the questions of how to instill values in children without the standard dogmatic fare and how to find ways to answer the “big” questions — Why am I here? What happens after we die? — without turning to religious explanations.
Editor Dale McGowan has collected a wonderful array of essays that address many issues, including how to raise free-thinking children, dealing with death in a secular way, how to support children in their search for the meaning of life and developing what McGowan describes as “secular” values — humility, empathy, courage, honesty, openness, generosity and gratitude.
McGowan also includes an essay on how to deal with the issue of the Easter Bunny and Santa, which is one I wish I had read a couple of months ago!
One of my favorite essays was one of the first in the book by former Saturday Night Live comedian Julia Sweeney (who also happens to be the mother by adoption of a Chinese daughter).
Sweeney grew up Catholic, but grew away from her religion as an adult. In trying to explain to her young daughter what happens to people when they die, she eschewed the traditional explanations about heaven.
“[T]hen I told her … that her grandfather did live on after he died, inside of the people who were remembering him. And in the ways he influenced those people, even when they weren’t thinking of him. … Because of him, we are different. In probably thousands or even millions of ways. And that difference is what makes him live after he dies. And she really got that.”
Sometimes it can be difficult to be a family that doesn’t advocate churchgoing and religious training in our society where the majority of people, whether they are traditionally observant or not, identify themselves with one religion or another. Parenting Beyond Belief serves not only as a guide to families who choose not to make that identification, but it also made me feel that those of us who are struggling with these issues are not so alone.
The MotherTalk Book Tour continues throughout the week with lots of thoughts from some wonderful bloggers. Please check them out, as well.
PLUS, if you’d like to win a free copy of Parenting Beyond Belief, leave me a comment and I will choose one commenter at random at the end of the book tour to receive the book! (Review disclaimer — I received two copies of Parenting Beyond Belief for free for review purposes and they will be the copies that are given away here and at PunditMom Reviews)!!
May 14th, 2007 at 12:18 pm
I can’t possibly hope to win TWO book contests, but I will definitely go buy this book. My husband and I are struggling with the same thing.
It’s funny, Joanne, I sort of rejected religion as a child in the same sort of rational “well, that doesn’t make sense” way that you did.
May 14th, 2007 at 1:03 pm
My husband and I are still struggling with how to handle the religion issue with our two daughters. We tried a Unitarian Universalist church and it was the best fit for our family. We haven’t managed to make a true commitment to it however.
May 14th, 2007 at 1:43 pm
I am in a “mixed” marriage too. While we are raising our daughter Jewish, she still does get Christmas somewhat. But recently she dropped out of Hebrew school because even though she was a natural at learning Hebrew, she found it to be tedious and not relevant. Plus she seems to be somewhat agnostic right now in her beliefs. While I was hoping she’d get a bat mitzvah (which I never had) right now it’s not in the cards. But it is good to have some exposure to religions.
May 14th, 2007 at 3:38 pm
Similar experience here – a defining moment in church that caused anger and confusion, resulted in my leaving the Church behind at around age 16. I was raised Catholic, my husband is Baptist. Our daughter has attended more church with her Baptist grandparents than she has with either my husband or I. So we are struggling with the same parenting questions. We have allowed her to grow up just generally understanding who God and Jesus are from a Christian perspective but having no established relgion or religious education, but I’m starting to think we’ve done her a disservice by not giving her something solid that she could either accept or reject.
Frankly, I also still struggle personally with an appreciation and respect for the consistency and “pageantry” (so to speak) of the Catholic church, and a desire to have the sense of ‘community’ that my in-laws’ Baptist Church seems to have.
Maybe it’s not an either-or proposition – probably, I’m still “struggling” because I have not made it a priority to look inside for the answer.
May 15th, 2007 at 11:15 am
I was raised Unitarian Universalist (I was surprised to see Jenny’s comment mentioning them too) & if I didn’t work Sundays & the nearest UU church wasn’t 30+ miles from my home I would be taking my kids there, as it is I just try to answer all their questions with my own opinionis which I admit is not always the best idea but all I have here.
I’m definitley going to look for that book myself, my youngest is 7 but it’s never too late.
May 15th, 2007 at 7:40 pm
Although my dh & I are atheists, we’re trying to instill some Christian knowledge in our kids. It’s important for them to be able to exist in our society. Plus, I knew we needed to tell them more about Jesus when my 5 y.o. asked me if he was a zombie (well, they say he came back from the dead :-/).
May 15th, 2007 at 8:35 pm
I need to check out this book. Baptised Episcopalian, raised semi-Mormon and currently not going to church at all, I am constantly chastised for not getting my little one under a steeple. At the end of the day, I realize I’m not doing it because I want her to find faith on her own terms. But I just wonder what to do in the meantime…
May 16th, 2007 at 3:17 pm
I definitely need to check this book out. I have been grappling with the entire religion thing as far as my daughter goes for two long years.
It is hard, very hard. Part of the problem is how integrated religion is with family tradition and heritage. Finding a balance is a hard but lofty goal. This book sounds very resourceful. Thanks for the tip!
Good luck with your quest!
May 19th, 2007 at 7:07 am
I have heard about this book before and am definitely interested in the subject matter, since my girls are being raised to be “good citizens” and moral people in a non-religious household. Thanks for the recommendation!
May 19th, 2007 at 7:12 am
Book definately sounds like a good read for those of us grappling with this issue. I too am raising a child in a mixed household– me- use to be Methodist and him- use to be Buddist- neither practising–but pondering how to instill values…
FYI– I found your blog so hard to read because of the dark background- looks like a good one but hard on my eyes.
May 19th, 2007 at 7:58 am
Some systems apparently have that problem with the color — I don’t know why, but I’m hoping the upcoming new tamplate will fix that.
May 20th, 2007 at 12:33 pm
Congrats to Nancy at Mom Ma’am Me! She’s the winner of the PunditMom copy of Parenting Beyonf Belief! Another copy was also given away over at PunditMom Reviews!