Comments on: What Do You Do When Your Eight-Year-Old Needs a Xanax?

By: Nanci

Nanci — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 01:35:48 +0000

I just recently discovered your wonderful site, and this post hits home. We have two wonderful children who were both born in China and joined our family through adoption. DD is 6, and a real worrier. She worries about pirates coming over from Africa and killing her. She worries about how bones get out of dead bodies. She worries that we may be fictional characters in someone’s book, and we just don’t know it. She worries about whether she will be a good driver. And I mean worries herself to tears. One night she told me that she didn’t want to live, because it meant having to die. I suspect that many of the topics are just window dressing for underlying adoption-related fears, and I try to emphasize that we (her parents) will protect her from pirates, be happy to be characters in a book with her, and will teach her how to be a great driver. We talk about how I can still feel my mom’s love for me, 10 years after she died. Bodies die, a parent’s love doesn’t. At night, after she is finally asleep, I go into her room and whisper that I will love her forever. I hope some of that message seeps into her dreams and makes them sweeter. Our DS (3) never worries. If something bad happens, he moves on and finds something else to smile about. We joke that when he learns about death, he will say “We die? Bummer. Can I go out and play now?” In some ways, it makes it much harder to see if there is an attachment/grieving issue that needs attention – he is just so darned happy.

By: Mike Mansfield

Mike Mansfield — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 15:19:43 +0000

The first thing I thought while reading this article is "Nothing IS permanent." Parents die. Siblings get old and disabled. Children do drugs and get in trouble. Our favorite restaurant closes, etc.

You are permanent in her life, however. My parents died in 1991 & 1993. I had enough time with them that I still have a permanent tie with them. I have nieces and nephews who were less than 5 when their grandmother/my mother died who still seem to keep her alive as well.

So just keep on loving PunditGirl, as you are, and try to guide her while letting her know that some of those friends were just stupid.

By: Nancy

Nancy — Wed, 28 May 2008 23:17:00 +0000

I'm so late coming over, and I apologize.

I was a sensitive girl like PunditGirl. It was hard to be a natural worrier when some of my friends were carefree and couldn't relate. But what's great is I was able to dredge up some amazing strength within myself. She will get there too.

And in the meantime, she has an amazing and loving mom (and dad) to lean on.

xoxoxo to you and PunditGirl.

p.s., aptly, my word verification for this post is "strss."

By: Jaelithe

Jaelithe — Tue, 20 May 2008 04:33:00 +0000

Oh, poor sweetie. I was such an anxious kid myself. I can really sympathize with her worries about school, friends, etc.

At least she has a great family to support her through everything.

By: Robin

Robin — Fri, 16 May 2008 22:29:00 +0000

Keep doing what you’re doing. I’ve also got a great book I”ll email you with off line.

By: Vivian M

Vivian M — Wed, 14 May 2008 16:53:00 +0000

This post hit home.
I wish there was a magic wand, or an easy way, but I think all we can do is be there for them, day in and day out. Until they finally feel comfortable and trust enough. Until their worries start to minimize and take a backseat to all the love, happiness and joy. Until their hearts heal and they become the strong women that they are destined to be, because of their life experiences and the support of their loved ones.
Until then, hug her tightly, hold her close, and talk to her often. And save the Xanax for yourself, just in case! (just kidding).

By: Chicky Chicky Baby

Chicky Chicky Baby — Wed, 14 May 2008 00:59:00 +0000

This just about broke my heart. As a worrier from a very young age, I love your worry zapper idea. It’s great that you recognize and are willing to help your daughter through this.

By: anniegirl1138

anniegirl1138 — Tue, 13 May 2008 23:03:00 +0000

I have a worrier too. 5 and 1/2yr old. Her father died when she was 3 1/2 and we have had other upheavals big and small and even wonderful since then but it's asking a lot of a wee one to wrap her mind around things that are big and grown-up.

All you can do is listen. Answer what questions you can. Give reassurance when necessary. And seek professional advice when all else fails.

We found a grief group for children, consulted with a counselor for ourselves and the rest is just that run of mill parenting thing.

When I was about 9 there were big upheavals in my family which made me question a lot about myself and the fact that my own birth parents had put me up for adoption. I think perhaps we all go through this to smaller or larger extents. I am sure you are doing better than you think with helping your daughter through this.

By: Daisy

Daisy — Tue, 13 May 2008 21:32:00 +0000

Our children — so precious, so complex. She’s too young (or maybe not!) to understand the full complexity of birth parents who chose not to raise their child. Hugs to both of you — dealing with these issues openly is so much better than hiding them away.

By: Amy in Ohio

Amy in Ohio — Tue, 13 May 2008 21:07:00 +0000

Man, this makes my heart hurt for her. And you. Just thank God that she has a family like yours to hold her hand through all this stuff.

Sending good thoughts your way!