Sarah Palin is a mother. So am I. That’s where our similarities end.
Since I’m a pretty progressive Democrat and she’s, um, not, there aren’t a lot of things we agree on politically. We don’t have a lot in common in how our motherhood experiences look, either.
I don’t have five kids and I’m not a governor (though, I am a PTA mom, so maybe I’m headed in that direction!). But, more importantly, in the discussion about working mothers in America there’s this — I don’t have the support network or work situation that Palin does that has given her the luxury to bring home the caribou bacon and fry it up in a pan. So whether you’re a Democrat, a Republican or something else entirely, I have to wonder whether it’s fair to hold Sarah Palin up as the latest shining example of working motherhood?
If Palin is the new standard, how will the rest of us mere mortals ever measure up?
I only have one daughter at home, and I find it almost impossible at times to juggle her schedule, household obligations (please don’t stop by my house unannounced if you know me!) and, oh yeah, work. Palin is, to say the least, lucky. She has a bevy of family and friends who have taken over for her when she can’t take the kids to the office or be home for their school and social obligations.
I don’t have that. Zippo. Nada. And there are plenty of working parents who don’t either. Nor do they even have decent, affordable child care to try to make the whole crazy puzzle work.
There’s a whole host of reasons our personal parenting safety net is non-existent, including the fact that we don’t live close to many family members. I suspect there are many families in the same situation — ones who would give anything if a mom or sister or cousin or aunt lived close by to help out.
So will this uber-mom portrait that has been painted of Palin force the rest of us to don the cape and become super-moms ourselves? At the blog Conversation Starter, Christina Bielaszka-DuVernay comments that whether we can be uber-moms is a function of life circumstances:
Men and women are different, and their parenthood experiences in the early months or years of a child’s life are different . As I wrote in a post earlier this year, I was hired when I was eight months’ pregnant. Because this hire happened in April and my husband’s teaching schedule allowed him to be a full-time parent in the summer months, I returned to my very new job when my first child was only eight weeks old. My company’s lactation rooms allowed me to continue breastfeeding, but nothing anyone could do–not my employer, not my spouse–could alleviate the wrenching exhaustion of working an 8-to-6 schedule when night after night, I slept in 2-hour shifts because I was nursing. By my second week back, I was, quite literally, walking into walls.
I worry that regardless of what happens to Palin in November, that having her in the spotlight has put an unwanted spin on what successful modern working motherhood looks like. While there’s much to admire in the punching-through-the-maternal-wall perspective, if we start to raise the bar on what motherhood should look like, as described by Kathy G. at The G Spot blog:
A prime example is this excellent article by Katherine Marsh in the current New Republic. Marsh analyzes how Palin’s image as a [Ayn] Rand-ian superwoman reinforces right wing tropes that government help for working women, such as paid leave and publicly provided child care, is not necessary. “Stop whining — I did it on my own, and so can you!” is basically the message Palin delivers, where issues of sexism and work/family balance are concerned. But unlike Palin, few of the rest of us are lucky enough to have a well-paying job, a stay-at-home husband and a strong, supportive network of relatives who are happy to pitch in where child care duties are concerned.
I can’t do it all on my own without the circle of support that Palin has, but somehow I muddle through with some things, OK many things, inevitably falling through the cracks.
No neat home. Stacks of laundry and paperwork everywhere. Homework that has to be finished, social obligations (not big ones, just little things like remembering birthdays) and food in the house. These are the things I struggle with because in my world, there is no village there to chip in to allow me to pursue the career I love without abandon.
That’s OK with me — I love my crazy, messy life and wouldn’t give up the time I get with my daughter for anything. I just don’t want the rest of the world to expect me to live up to the Sarah Palin model of motherhood since it’s getting applause from so many.
For most of us, real life just doesn’t work that way.
Cross-posted from BlogHer, where PunditMom is a Contributing Editor for Politics & News.
September 12th, 2008 at 11:13 am
Amen! My life looks a lot more like yours than hers. Let’s not pretend she’s pulling her family up by her bootstraps (brastraps?) when she obviously has more support, income, and flexibility than more people. It’s just not that easy for most of us.
September 12th, 2008 at 11:33 am
Yeah. One child here too – and there are not enough hours in the day to get it all done.
September 12th, 2008 at 11:52 am
Sarah Palin has certainly shaken the whole working motherhood issue up for me.
Right before this I did a huge deconstruction of The Feminine Mistake, which liberated me from crushing motherhood guilt in a lot of ways. Lots of it is just about letting go of doing everything perfect and truly allowing/enforcing equal participation in housework and childcare from other members of the family – kids and spouses and some help. Letting go of perfection.
For me, personally, who has a LOT of pressure in my own family to be a SAHM and not put the kids in daycare or childcare (said as a cuss word every time). This has caused such a deep conflict in my life that literally derailed my career for several years and led to substance abuse issues from taking Xanex to quell my deep anxiety.
Three people most directly applied this pressure to me – My mother, brother and MIL. All religious conservatives. All frequently mention that I should be home with my kids.
All 3 think, unequivocally, that Sarah Palin can do it. None of the 3 think Sarah’s role as VP will interfere with her motherhood.
This is perception shattering for me.
On one hand, I’m hurt that they couldn’t muster up the same respect and support for me as they can for her. If they had ever said, “Of course you can do both.” Ever. One. Single. Time. My life and my career would be much less conflicted and the last 7 years of my life would have been drastically different.
On the other hand – the fact that they so profoundly believe Sarah Palin can do both, liberates me to do both. In many ways their pressure and their judgement – and the larger social pressure to be a SAHM has dictated my fence-sitting – in other words my Work-at-home status. I’m walking their fine line and sometimes it feels like a heavy burden and handcuffs around my ambition, my passion, my calling. Is this really my authentic choice? Or is it my cowardly response to social pressure?
I guess I feel like if Sarah Palin can do it – so can I. Her existence allows me to expect the same support that my relatives are giving her.
September 12th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
I am a mom. I am a mom who teaches my children that TRUTH must be the basis for everything a person might say or do. I practice truth in all of my words and actions, public and private.
Sarah Palin with her love of half-truths and lies — many of which have now been uttered publicly ad nauseum in the past 10 days — is not anything like any mother I am or hope to be.
September 12th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
If there’s a “typical” working mom out there, I’m pretty sure you’re right – her family life and work situation probably look quite different from Sarah Palin’s. Maybe there would be more support for working moms if we all had access to the resources she has. Definitely, if we all had the resources she has, it would be a whole lot easier to manage that work/family juggle thing.
Yeah, if this is what working motherhood is expected to look like, we’re all in trouble.
Great post, PunditMom!
September 12th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
Excellent post. As a Canadian, I’m horrified when I see American mothers who are basically forced to go back to work after 6 or even 12 weeks, when the job of being a mother to an infant is still all-consuming. The example of Sarah Palin going back to work after 3 days really isn’t something I aspire to in my own life, but it’s going to give those who believe that motherhood is a lifestyle decision and shouldn’t have any accommodations made for it such as leave or pay plenty of ammo.
September 12th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
Thank you, thank you, for putting the words that were floating in my mind out here about the dilemma that faces way too many working women and especially those, who like myself, are also single parents and have other problems tacked on to trying to earn a living, run a household, keep a roof over self/family and find, buy, cook, serve the meals, doing laundry, and all the other many things that come up in the life of just regular working women/mothers today.
Comparing Sarah Palin and her abilities, her obligations, her assistants, etc., too -to us, the run-of-the-mill people, well that’s like comparing apples to oranges, isn’t it?
When has she had to deal with things -when have many, if any, of our current politicians, had to deal with the multitude of day-to-day struggles that wrap around the average individuals lives?
Don’t hold her up as a hero to me until she has fully walked in my shoes or those of other working mothers across the country.
September 12th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
It’s true… Palin comes at this from a place of tremendous privilege. And yay her, but it makes it all the more upsetting when she advocates against programs that would help people less fortunate than she.
It’s a case of I’ve got mine, Jill, screw you.
September 12th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
I was back to work at 8 weeks with both of my children. I have a wonderful supportive husband who pitches in. My mother was still alive and helped me out. Living far away from family and support would be horrible to me. It is HARD to balance it all. I’m glad Sarah and others have strong support systems. When I lost mine even simple functioning became difficult. But I’m with you — I can live with a messy house (piles of laundry and paper) as long as my time with my kids is intact. Cleaning house can wait! I’ll admit it though… if I won the Lotto I’d be done working… necessity sucks.
September 12th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
I am a mother of three. I have a supportive husband and a mother and grandmother who helps out as well. I also work (as a teacher) and my husband works as well.
I am amazed that there is so much, dare I say, jealously for Sarah Palin.
She is a mother of 5 – with a special needs child – that clearly takes additional efforts. She was mayor and a govenor. How many of us – with even our busy schedules – not only have to run a household but also have to run a town/city and an entire State.
How many of us have to not only balance our checkbooks BUT ALSO have to balance a city or STATE Budget. How many of us have to not only stand up for our families but also have to stand on our own two feet, in clearly what is a “good “ole boys/mens club that is politics, and take down those MOST POWERFUL MEN because they were corrupt?
Before any of you on this site contend that Govenor Palin is “privledged”, take a look at what she has accomplished. She hasn’t been handed anything on her own. Her husband wasn’t president and then she ran for Senate. SHe did all on her own WHILE AT THE SAME TIME balancing an extremely busy family life.
She is the perfect example of what the feminist movement was about. WHole we can all disagree on her policies, she doesn’t hide what she believes in and stand strongs for her ideals.
WE SHOULD ALL BE PROUD OF SUCH A FEMALE ROLE MODEL FOR ALL OUR DAUGHTERS TO EMULATE.
September 12th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Sorry about ythe punctuation and spelling.
September 12th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
I absolutely refuse to see Sarah Palin as hero of a any kind; she made the choice to attempt to budget the state’s checkbooks as well as her own, and honestly, do you really think she is the one who does her own? She doesn’t HAVE to run a state-she made that choice. And in my opinion, feminism is about giving we women choices-it isn’t about some woman like her trying to portray herself as a heroine of ANY kind, proving that women CAN have it all. No, sorry, we can’t. Privileged? Of course she is priveleged; any woman in our times who still has a husband who is willing to take on the role of “house husband” or anything even close is privileged. Any woman who has the support network of family and friends who are there to take up the slack is privileged. Any woman who knows with certainty that she has the financial means necessary to provide everything her kids need and want-including health insurance for her special-needs child-is privileged.
I am the single mother of four kids; I work full time, receive no financial help from my ex-husbands, and if I get cancer tomorrow, I will have to go without treatment and leave four kids orphans. It is a struggle for me to be the kind of mom I want and need to be on a very elemental basis; I am torn between staying home with a sick child and going to work-which is not a choice ANY mother should have to make. EVER. However, while I know my child needs me, needs his mommy, I also know that if I miss even one day of work, that is the difference between a bill being paid or not. You can bet that Sarah Palin has not had to deal with ANY of those issues. All she has done, in my opinion, is create a standard that most of our country’s female counterparts cannot EVER live up to you. And I don’t know about the rest of the population, but I have a hard enough time dealing with the censure and blame for being one of those dreaded single mothers who are the downfall of the economy without having this woman throw in my face all that I will never be.
And jealous? You BET I am jealous-what mother who struggles would not be jealous of her resources? I bet all of her kids are going to get to go to college. I bet they know what it is like to say, daily, “No thanks, I am full.” I bet none of them have ever had to duct tape their shoes together. So yes-I am jealous. But I am also a very intelligent, strong woman with integrity and honesty and the willingness to work-and I cannot respect a woman like this, and I certainly do not want her anywhere near a position she can use to screw up my life.
September 12th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
I’ve been both a SAHM and a full-time working mom. I happen to relate with Sarah Palin quite well. I am a conservative and thrilled to see a woman who shares my values on the main stage.
The think I haven’t figured out is why someone can’t disagree with her politically but still respect her. I’ve done that with Hillary for years. I disagree with Hillary’s political stances almost across the board, but I’ve never attacked her character. Palin has been attacked over and over since she was selected as the VP choice. Nobody says how much help Hillary had raising Chelsea or that her situation wasn’t like that of other working moms. (no different than Sarah) Stop being so blind to the other side. Argue political stances, that’s fine, but if you didn’t raise the same questions about Hillary during her campaign, you should ask yourself why.
September 12th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
If she’s been able to manage her family and career, I do respect that. All I’m saying is that now that she has been on the stage and presented as the model of a working mom, I fear that many will expect that we ALL can live that model. It’s a pretty high bar to set to expect working moms to all be mom-of-all-things, as the McCain people have presented her to be.
September 12th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
What turns many women off to feminism is the unrealistic role models – like Palin. And this idea of “having it all” being an “uber mom”. Bad, bad images because they don’t mirror the reality of the majority.
September 12th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
I have a pretty flexible job/career. But never would my infant be welcome in the office day after day. I don’t think that’s reality for most working parents.
September 12th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
Just as I believe in separation of church and state, I also believe in separation of marital or parental status and state. What does motherhood or fatherhood have to do with picking a President? We need a leader in the White House, not necessarily a mother. I am one who thinks we should be talking about more important issues when it comes to the election (not that motherhood isn’t an important issue, but that’s a separate discussion). I guess I’m saying I don’t care what kind of mother she is, I care about her qualifications for V.P.
September 12th, 2008 at 5:55 pm
“does not mirror the reality of the majority” as anniegir11138 rightfully stated. That is why I was so struck by how many women excitedly said that they could so easily relate to Sarah Palin. Like many I have been a cheering sports mom, a faithful PTA member and past president, and a busy working woman. I’ve done some of them well at times and all of them with mediocrity or less at times, and I was always clear on what my support system looked like; a husband who traveled for his job 3 to 4 days a week and no family that lived anywhere near to rely upon. Like you punditmom, I hope that all will understand that this should not be the bar held up for successful motherhood.
September 12th, 2008 at 6:35 pm
Couldn’t agree more and wrote a similar post on my blog a couple of weeks ago.
http://upwithmoms.blogspot.com/2008/08/tearing-down-facade.html
I agree that Palin paints an unrealistic picture of working motherhood and absolutely believe the GOP will hold her up as an example of a woman who can “do it all.” But the point of my post is that whether we have help or flexibility or not, many of us tend to paint a much rosier picture of working motherhood that’s in stark contrast to the actual reality of it.
September 12th, 2008 at 7:57 pm
My questions is: who exactly has painted Palin as an uber-mom? In the WaPo piece you referenced, the women quoted said she was flawed, had been through tough times, knows that being a working mom is really tough. Sounds like they relate to her based on her experiences raising a family and pursuing a career. Just because you don’t like her or her policies doesn’t mean you can discount her experiences. They are as real as what you and I go through every day. Since I can find no instance of her representing herself as a “shining example of working motherhood,” who exactly is perpetuating this image?
I think Mary Gatta from Rutgers, in that MSNBC item you referenced, put it best: “You can support her fair treatment without necessarily supporting her policies.” You may not like what she stands for, but surely you support her, as a woman, deciding what is right for her and her family? Isn’t that the essence of feminism?
September 13th, 2008 at 8:13 am
I enjoyed your post and I think Palin being held up as the uber-mom example is consistent with the false conservative that it’s all about choice and everyone has the same choices — i.e. if you are poor it’s because you are poor, if you are gay, it’s because you choose to be. Liberals on the other hand, can empathize, and recognize that it’s not so easy for everyone.
September 13th, 2008 at 11:13 am
I completely agree with Tracy. Sarah Palin did it on her own and no woman experience w/ motherhood will ever be totally identical to another one. Sarah may have a good support system however the very fact that she had to return to work only 3 days after giving birth to her child just illustrates the hardship that juggling motherhood and career can be. I truly believe, despite her “personal views” on abortion or gay marriage that Sarah would be a true advocate for women.
September 16th, 2008 at 3:45 am
There is another spin to put on this, and that is “the conservative family philosophy encourages the kind of familial closeness that permits these support networks to exist”. Or, back in the 50′s, when everyone was a Republican, everyone had neighbours and friends to babysit.
Bets that a confrontation over this issue will be spun this way?
September 17th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
This week I broke my foot and as a single mom with three children I say thank gawd for posts like this to keep me from measuring myslef against a fantasy most mothers will never know
Karrine