Comments on: November is Adoption Awareness Month — There Should be No ‘Give Backs’ in Adoption

By: Lawyer Mama

Lawyer Mama — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 04:30:34 +0000

I was horrified at the link Chris posted about the 2005 case where the biological mother was awarded custody of a 3 1/2 year old. So I looked for follow up and found this:
http://forums.adoption.com/general-adoptive-parent-support/222583-evan-scott-johnson-update.html

Feeling just sick.

By: Anne Bertelsen

Anne Bertelsen — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 02:00:14 +0000

Thank you for this post. As an adopted child (adopted in the 1960s), it’s hard to summarize coherently the tangle of emotions I have on “give backs” and “take backs” and all the fragility and anxiety that accompanies an adoption — on all sides: the child, the adoptive parents, the biological parents. Adoptions are hard — without the addition of changing minds. It’s tough to be “rejected” once, let alone twice. I wrote a piece earlier this year: Rejection, acceptance, re-invention – by way of adoption.

http://annemai.posterous.com/7298821

By: PunditMom

PunditMom — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 19:02:47 +0000

Jo, First of all, I can’t believe anyone would compare this to the adoption of a pet (and I HATE that people call getting a pet “adoption.” It isn’t).

Second, if she had kept her son by adoption, but given up one of her bio children for the exact same reasons, would you be OK with that?

By: Jo

Jo — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 18:56:19 +0000

I just don’t get the outrage. I mean, on some level I understand. I’ve been critical in the past of people who adopt pets and then bail on them.

But what would have been a better alternative – that she keep a child she knew she didn’t have the emotional resources to raise? I read the NYT piece carefully, and I don’t think this woman is the monster people are making her out to be. We don’t know what we are getting into with our children.

By: Janet

Janet — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 00:08:15 +0000

Agreed.

By: paula schuck

paula schuck — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 17:36:30 +0000

I believe there are many shades of grey and I know too that no two adoptions are the same. Mistakes are sometimes made in placing a child with the wrong family, or placing multiples with multiple special needs with an ill equipped family. However that said I agree no give backs. Work harder then, work differently, work because you are the parent and she/he is the child and that is your job to be the one reliable/safe thing in this child’s world. Work with the systems that can help. Plug them in early and then advocate often. It is a hard job sometimes, but for our children we often need to move mountains, change systems and drop all other priorities. (maybe not forever, but at least until adequately supported and child stabilized) Often we deal with families whose children have experienced extreme neglect, abuse, deprivation and in utero exposures. Many of our children have special needs and are very hard on families. But that doesn’t excuse give backs. Society has a role here too, to not turn a blind eye to sad hard facts. Where a child has been hurt there will be pain and there will be needs that are greater than those of a typically developing child. We, society, politicians and parents, have a great imperative need to help these families now and stack the deck so adoptions succeed.

Paula Schuck
http://www.thriftymommastips.blogspot.com/
also cofounder Canadian Coalition of Adoptive Families,
author and award-winning journalist who often writes re: adoption.
http://sites.goolge.com/site/cdncaf

By: Daisy

Daisy — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 01:53:54 +0000

This woman is writing a parenting book? Who’s the co-author – Lynn Spears?
I have a son with special needs. He’s not the kiddo I imagined when I was pregnant, but he is a fascinating and fabulous young man. Challenges abound, including learning basics of white cane travel and joining autism support groups, but he’s mine. All mine. I’d never give him up. Except, of course, on the days that teenage hormones are raging….never mind.

By: Chris Wysocki

Chris Wysocki — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 22:10:20 +0000

I agree with you, adoption should be for keeps.

Sadly the other side of the story is more common than the incident you describe. Birth mothers who have second thoughts and want their child back have the law on their side, at least here in New Jersey. I’ve read several heartbreaking news accounts of adoptive parents who’ve had a child ripped from their homes because a girl who gave up her baby when she was a drug-addled teenager got cleaned up and decided to be a mommy.

And then there’s this Jacksonville case – http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6834940/

Should “no give-backs” equate to “no take-backs” too? I say “yes”.

By: mykidsmom

mykidsmom — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 21:00:34 +0000

She’s beautiful!! I’m sure that your family is closer and stronger for the better because of the things you have done for your daughter. People need more staying power, whether it’s with getting a pet (this dog is not convenient for me anymore), adopting a child (not that I’m comparing the two!!) or even in marriage. Congrats to you for your commitment, through hard times and good times!

By: Wendy Wetzel

Wendy Wetzel — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 20:50:49 +0000

I tried not to judge too quickly on this because I know attachment issues can be very serious and difficult and I have not been in those shoes–but it does not at all seem like they gave it all they had. The media seeking is very disturbing.

Adoption month should include recognizing that adoption is not simple–but it is FOREVER.