Image via andersoncooper.com

I’m a long time fan of Anderson Cooper‘s journalism on CNN. And, truth be told, I’m also fond of that tight black T-shirt of his!

But I digress.

As much as I enjoy some of the perspectives he presents on his CNN show, I’m stunned that this newsman-turned-daytime-host is dragging us back to the Mommy Wars, complete with teasers that some mothers who work outside the home will be accusing stay at home moms of being lazy!  OK, maybe I’m not stunned — I’ve been around long enough to know that daytime TV is all about what’s going to grab the ratings.  And mom-on-mom verbal abuse is always a real crowd-pleaser.

But I really expected more from Anderson, the man who’s still “keeping them honest” about politics and the Middle East and Bernie Madoff, and all that other newsy stuff we need to know about it.

I did wonder if the show would include anyone from my “category ” — the work-at-home mom. And according to the show’s site, he’ll be chatting with a mom who works from home as a phone sex operator!  After taking a longer look at his site’s call for upcoming show guests, it seems he’s got plans to mine the topic of working mothers vs. “housewives” for a while.

Now, I know I don’t fit into this whole mommy drama thing exactly.  I’ve been working from home for a long time.  And I stopped taking these Mommy Wars things personally, either when Hollywood weighs in or when I overhear a not-so-kind comment about women who don’t “go to work” in offices when I arrive for school pick-up.  It’s just too tiring.  But now that our daughter has entered the world of tween-dom, and is actually thinking more about what she wants to be when she grows up, I really don’t want her hearing anything about this manufactured drama with its images of women fighting with each other over how to work and be a mother.

Perhaps Anderson could use a copy of Welcome to My World: Stay at Home Moms vs Working Moms.  Yes, it’s the same topic, but I guarantee you, it’s a respectful look at how so many of us have come to make the choices we have.

As my wise friend Liz reminded me, it’s always a tough question about whether to bring attention to shows like the one Anderson is cooking up for this week because it only fans the flames of these parenting skirmishes.  I’m definitely going to be on look out, though, to see if he’s preparing a similar program on this “debate” among fathers.  If he does I hope he puts a call into some of the Babble Voices dads and some others I know. Maybe Shawn would be a good choice, because he’s got that whole dad with a backpack thing going on!

But if does Anderson insist on taking his viewers into the parenting war zone, he could at least humor us by wearing that black tee.

Image via Joanne Bamberger. All rights reserved

OK, I know we’re all tired.  We’re parents … being tired comes with the territory of night feedings, night terrors and nights waiting up when our kids are old enough to drive.

But what I’m really tired about is the news.  I know that’s a bit surprising coming from someone who dubbed herself “PunditMom” five-and-a-half years ago.  But I am tired.  Exhausted.  Done.  Because no matter what stories are getting covered in the news today, it seems like they are all coming back to something sordid.  When we’re talking about GOP Presidential candidate Herman Cain we’re discussing sexual harassment and possible sexual assault.  When we’re having conversations about a storied college football program, part of that discussion is now focused on alleged sexual assaults against children and adults turning a blind eye.  And I’m tried of having to keep our 11-year-old from cable news because I don’t want to have to explain to her just how rotten the world can be.

Why am I talking about being tired?  You can find out at my PunditMom’s Spin Cycle column today at Babble Voices!

Tell me what you think over at my Babble Voices column, The Spin Cycle!

Image courtesy NASA Goddard

I’m still working on the first two, but as for being a Chinese mother a la the just-released memoir “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother,” that’s something I’ll never be, even though my daughter is Chinese by heritage.  If you ask her, PunditGirl will gladly tell you I am the most strict mom in the world, so, by author Amy Chua’s definition, maybe I have a little of her Chinese mom in me.  I admit, I lean toward an unmovable line in the sand when it comes to things like getting homework done, the very little amount of back-talk I’m willing to put up with and when lights must be off at bedtime.  But if you ask some of the other moms I know, they’ll tell you that I’m a bit lenient — while we have a ‘no Wii’ rule on school nights at our house, I do let PunditGirl watch some TV after dinner during the week if all her work is done, because I know she’ll spend at least a half hour reading on her own before bedtime, and there’s nothing like family movie night with popcorn here at Chez PunditMom.

But in our house, there’s no sleep or water deprivation as apparently was the case in Chua’s household to create musical prodigies.  And while I’m no saint and definitely lose my temper some times, I steer clear of name-calling or mockery as a way to get PunditGirl to do what I’ve asked her to do.

So what am I?  The “too easy” mom who thinks it’s always a good time for some hugs or the taskmaster who wants her child to look at me when speaking?  I think I’m neither, but the exercise of asking the questions makes me wonder how we’ve become a society of self-doubters when it comes to parenting.

That’s why “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother” is destined for the best-seller list.  Just as we were fascinated with Mommie Dearest, we’re willing to take medical advice from would-be starlet Jenny McCarthy and rush to buy any new parenting tome that claims it will set our kids up for the Ivy League, Chua’s supposed journey to self-discovery (you be the judge) is bound to become the go-to parenting manual in a world where almost all parents want to make sure their children will have stable economic futures.

But is there a point where parenting for achievement becomes abuse?  That’s what I’m pondering today at Politics Daily and Woman Up.

This  book is an amazing source with advice from many women I know you’ve probably heard of in these parts, including Cooper Munroe and Emily McKhann from The Motherhood and Kristin Rowe-Finkbeiner from MomsRising!  And the exciting news is that Amy and the other authors, including myself, are offering a free (yes, I said free!) e-book version will be available for a limited time before the paperback version of the book is released in April.  The chapters in the book include:

Introduction by the Editor, Amy Tiemann, Ph.D., author of Mojo Mom: Nurturing Your Self While Raising a Family.

Part 1: The Courage to Invest in Your Own Development

The Transformative Power of Self-care by Renee Peterson Trudeau, life coach and author of The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal.

Tools for Career Reinvention by Kella Hatcher and Maryanne Perrin, founders of Balancing Professionals.

Part 2: Developing Your Own Courageous Parenting Style

The Courage to Let Our Kids Solve Their Own Problems by Maya Frost, international lifestyle design expert and author of The New Global Student.

The Courage to Become Your Own Parenting “Expert” by Melissa Stanton, author of The Stay-at-Home Survival Guide. Visit Melissa at www.RealLifeSupportForMoms.com

The Power of Personal Significance for Kids of All Ages by Amy McCready, parent educator and founder of Positive Parenting Solutions.

I’m Worried I Worry Too Much, But How Do I Stop? by Jamie Woolf, leadership expert and author of Mom-In Chief.

Part 3: Real-world Safety Skills for All

Kidpower: Skills for Safety, Skills for Independence by Irene van der Zande, co-founder and Executive Director of Kidpower, Teenpower, Fullpower International.

How to Say Yes to Your Kids’ Online Activities by Linda Criddle, internet safety expert and creator of iLookBothWays.com

Part 4: Finding Your Voice and Raising It for the Community

Becoming a Political Parent: PunditMom on Mothers Raising Their Voices Online by Joanne Bamberger, journalist and founder of PunditMom blog (that’s me!) 

Building a Family-friendly America: Challenge and Progress Through the Eyes of MomsRising.org by Kristin Rowe-Finkbeiner, co-founder and Executive Director of MomsRising.org

It Takes a Motherhood by Cooper Munroe and Emily McKhann, co-creators of the award-winning online community, TheMotherhood.com

If you want to get a free e-version of the book, send me your name and e-mail address to joanne (at) punditmom (dot) com no later than April 15, and I’ll make sure you receive an E-mail with the information to access the E-book on April 19!

There are few things that truly make me lose it, but sensational media coverage of adoption is one of those things.  So bear with me as I explain my visceral reaction to the recent story of Anita Tedaldi, a mother who “gave back” her toddler son after only 18 months following his adoption, and why I was confounded that more people seemed to give her sympathy rather than asking how she could go from someone who openly criticized parents who would do that to being a mother who not only disrupted the adoption of her son, but also sought out the bright light of media attention after having done so.

For me, it’s this simple — there are no “give backs” when it comes to our children, no matter how they came into our families.  My husband and I are lucky to be the parents of the fabulous PunditGirl (nine going on 30!).  We adopted her from China almost nine years ago.

Yeah, I’m talkin’ to you

We thought we were prepared.  We dealt with a fabulous agency who made sure we knew that a good number of children adopted from institutions often have attachment and other emotional issues.  We read.  We listened.  We talked.  Mr. PunditMom already had experience as a dad to two biological daughters.  We thought we were ready.

We so weren’t.

To many people, PunditGirl presented as a very easy, outgoing, confident child (and she still does).  But she has always had serious underlying anxiety and attachment issues, which I’ve written about once in a while.  To say that spending years as a family in attachment therapy was challenging, hard work would be an understatement.  Not to mention the years of night terrors that PunditGirl experienced, my self-diagnosed depression that I was in denial about and all the times I wondered whether there was something I had done (or not done) that had contributed to her mental state, her worries and her fears.

So I understand that there can be difficult issues that arise in adoptions.  But once PunditGirl was our daughter, she was our daughter.  Period. And it was our job as her parents to make sure we did whatever we could humanly do to help her with whatever she needed.

Thankfully, today she is attached to our hips!  As for the anxiety, I think it will always be there and will be something she will have to learn to manage.  She still worries that if we get angry we will leave and in her own fourth-grade way she’s never quite sure if people who say they are her friends really are her friends — she truly believes they might just pick up and leave.

PunditGirl may not have have been “borned from me” as she used to say, but when we signed the papers stating, in English and Chinese, “Said minor child shall be [your] adopted child, with all the rights and privileges as though she had been born to [you] …“ that’s what we meant.  We didn’t mean in case there are no problems.  We didn’t mean we’d keep her until the road got rocky.  We meant we would be there for her and love her forever.

I’m not the only one who’s had a hard time managing their outrage over Tedaldi’s story of terminating the adoption of her son because, as she put it, he wasn’t “bonding” with her family.  The online international adoption community has been quite outspoken.  And in an e-mail, a friend of mine who is also a parent by adoption and biology reflected:

Parenting a child who was adopted  — one who was not a tiny infant at the time of adoption — is not the same as parenting biological children.  It’s requires different strategies and different thinking and great patience.

I understood that I was going to have to change my whole approach the first time I tried to comfort a weeping O. and found that nothing I did could comfort her.  I was used to being the main person to comfort our children, to picking up crying children, patting, stroking and murmuring love words to them and knowing that they would settle in to me and settle down.  But this was not the case with O. — I was the stranger who took her away from someone she loved.

I decided to be with O. “as if” we had a perfect attachment from day one even though that was not the case.  And I also decided that I would wait out the hard times in hopes of good times.

And because of that, one of the best moments in my life was when O. realized I was her mother.  Every time I think of it, it brings tears to my eyes.  But it was entirely different than my experience with my other children — just as wonderful and amazing, but different.

Apparently there was a time when Tedaldi felt the same way I do.  In 2008, Tedaldi wrote a piece entitled, We Can’t Give Back our Children or Husbands, criticizing a Dutch couple who had terminated the adoption of their Korean-born daughter (the site where it was originally posted, Military.com, has taken down that piece, but it’s excerpted here).

No child is perfect. And just because some children come to us through biology rather than adoption doesn’t mean there aren’t going to be seriously hard issues sometimes.  Maybe all the time.  Call me judgmental, but I don’t believe there is any reason to “give back” a child –  for me this is one of the few life issues that isn’t gray, but is black and white.

Yeah, I’m lookin’ at you

You can be sure that if the story that ran in the New York Times and on the Today show had been exactly the same, but Tedaldi’s son had been her biological child, we would still be hearing the negative outcry from parents around the world.  But apparently because Tedaldi’s son was adopted, many have expressed sympathy for her situation, some actually praising her for being brave.

The media often jump at stories that sensationalize families who are something other than a traditional biological family.  But aside from the fascination with stories like Tedaldi’s, I have to wonder why she even chose to go public?  It had to be hard for everyone involved.  Her husband apparently did not want her to reveal their saga and I’m sure her biological children are getting questions from others.  And how must her son’s new family be dealing with what I have to assume was extreme unwanted attention?

Who does this story help other than news outlets who like uber-sensational tales that will boost ratings and readership?  Well, it might help Tedaldi herself — it turns out, she’s writing a parenting book that’s due out this spring.  At least one person has told me I’m the overly-cynical one for even suggesting that Tedaldi’s new book is remotely related to her decision to come out and tell this story.  Maybe I am.  But I’m just saying that for some things, no publicity is bad publicity, and she’s now on the radar of high profile media outlets.  We can each draw our own conclusions as to her motivations.

My family is my family.  It’s not any worse, or any better, than others because our daughter came to us through adoption rather than biology.  I’m not any less of a parent and PunditGirl isn’t any less of a daughter. Since November is Adoption Awareness Month, I’d love to see more coverage of adoption that doesn’t  suggest that there’s something unnatural about it or that it’s not as permanent as biological relationships.  I know things will be better when I see stories where writers stop describing families in terms of their blood relations.  The New York Times and the Today Show can start there anytime.